Flight—more often than fight—is the bigger threat when it comes to dooming a marriage. Pop psychology urges couples to avoid conflict at all costs. But the emotional distancing that creeps in when couples begin to withhold concerns for the sake of so-called-peace can devastate a relationship.
David Code, an Episcopal minister, family coach and author, in a recent article in Christian Science Monitor said that recognizing ‘flight-mode’ can be tricky. Obviously, walking away from heated conversation counts as flight, but it can be far more subtle: working late, watching TV, and even spending time with the kids. When these activities are done as a way to avoid a spouse, it is then that they become problematic.
This is a difficult issue that affects many of us. The tendency toward flight in situations of conflict is for me a consistent challenge at which I work. We learn these habits from our families-of-origin, from social situations we face as children and in-tandem with less-than-healthy parts of our personalities.
But in avoiding the touchy topics that can spark conflict, couples communicate to each other less and less of their true thoughts, feelings and dreams, says Code. The good news is that we can eat, walk and talk our way to relationships of greater intimacy.
Have each family member share the ‘highlight’ and ‘lowlight’ of their day at mealtimes: This is a simple type of prayer exercise based on the Consciousness Examen developed by St. Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits. Ignatius was an immensely practical man and he asked his monastic brothers to engage in simple reflection on their daily lives as a way of seeing God at work. This prayer asks us to see and be grateful for God’s wonder in the concrete details: “I saw my first butterfly of the spring sunning on my windowsill.” It also asks us to be aware of our shortcomings and disappointments: “I got mad at the older lady ahead of me at the checkout because she paid in nickels.” Thank God for the ‘highlight’ and place the ‘lowlight’ into God’s hands, asking God’s help for the next time the situation arises.
Purchase a set of voice-activated walkie-talkies: these gadgets are like high-tech baby monitors with greater range. Place one near your sleeping child and then take a stroll together and talk in the yard or while ambling down the street. Stay close enough that you can sprint back in a hurry. Code points out that you’ll hear more on the walkie-talkie than the parent watching television on a different floor of the house.
“Sure, avoiding our partner feels easier in the short-term,” says Code, “so we may have to force ourselves to interact at times, but putting our spouse first is win-win.”
Code, David. “How Emotional Distance Ruins Marriage.”
Zagano, Phyllis. "A Popular Method of Prayer from St. Ignatius and His Followers."
GEOCACHING: FAMILY FUN WITH GPS
Every kid dreams of finding hidden, buried treasure with a secret map. Thanks to the Global Positioning System (GPS) hidden treasure is just an afternoon away. GPS which originated as a military locating tool, was made fully available for public use in the most accurate way in May of 2000. Prior to that date the accuracy was very limited.
‘Geo’ which means 'earth' and ‘cache’ which means 'a hiding place to store items' make up the word geocaching and precisely describe the sport. The premise is that someone hides a ca
che and makes available the GPS coordinates so that others may locate it. A cache typically contains small ‘prize’ items and a log book. Coordinates may be posted on Internet sites like geocaching.com. Once found, the seeker takes an item, leaves an item in its place and records their name, the date and their city name in the log book. Caches may vary in size from large, reusable plastic containers to something as small as a film canister—or smaller!
Caches can be hidden in the wild or in the city; easy to get to or nearly-impossible to get to. Some caches even require following clues form cache to cache till you find the prize.
Unlike many forms of entertainment that use the Internet, geocaching requires you to leave the computer behind and set foot into the world to find that hidden treasure! Remember to respect private property and ask permission before entering and remember to respect natural areas and avoid trampling areas off-trail. You can help your community as well by picking up trash while you hunt for the cache!
DICTIONARY DECLINE: CHRISTIAN, NATURE WORDS
Imagine helping your child look up ‘blackberry’ (the edible one) in the Oxford Junior Dictionary only to find that it had been replaced by ‘Blackberry’ (the communication device). Imagine no longer. Nature words are on the decline and being replaced by technological terms.
In: Blog, MP3 player, broadband, Blackberry (the electronic kind)
Out: Acorn, beaver, otter, blackberry (the purple berry you can eat)
Christian words are on the decline in the Oxford Junior Dictionary as well. Bishop, chapel and saint are not to be found.
NWF Green Hour Blog for Parents
IT'S THE SIMPLE (SILLY) GIFTS
It’s the Baby Mop all-in-one baby jumper! With static-charged, extra-cushy fringe your baby can earn his keep while keeping your floors dust-free and shiny! Machine-washable, flame-retardant. courtesy: kirainet’s flickr stream The caption states that you may at first have to call to the baby from across the room to get him started, but pretty soon he’ll be doing what he does naturally. Build a healthy work ethic in your baby!
ON MY DESK:
Peters, Jack W. The Complete Idiots Guide to Geocaching. New York: Alpha, 2004. (Normal Public Library)
Sherman, Eric. Geocaching: Hide and Seek with Your GPS. Berkeley: Apress, 2004. (Normal Public Library).
David Code, an Episcopal minister, family coach and author, in a recent article in Christian Science Monitor said that recognizing ‘flight-mode’ can be tricky. Obviously, walking away from heated conversation counts as flight, but it can be far more subtle: working late, watching TV, and even spending time with the kids. When these activities are done as a way to avoid a spouse, it is then that they become problematic.
This is a difficult issue that affects many of us. The tendency toward flight in situations of conflict is for me a consistent challenge at which I work. We learn these habits from our families-of-origin, from social situations we face as children and in-tandem with less-than-healthy parts of our personalities. But in avoiding the touchy topics that can spark conflict, couples communicate to each other less and less of their true thoughts, feelings and dreams, says Code. The good news is that we can eat, walk and talk our way to relationships of greater intimacy.
Have each family member share the ‘highlight’ and ‘lowlight’ of their day at mealtimes: This is a simple type of prayer exercise based on the Consciousness Examen developed by St. Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits. Ignatius was an immensely practical man and he asked his monastic brothers to engage in simple reflection on their daily lives as a way of seeing God at work. This prayer asks us to see and be grateful for God’s wonder in the concrete details: “I saw my first butterfly of the spring sunning on my windowsill.” It also asks us to be aware of our shortcomings and disappointments: “I got mad at the older lady ahead of me at the checkout because she paid in nickels.” Thank God for the ‘highlight’ and place the ‘lowlight’ into God’s hands, asking God’s help for the next time the situation arises.
Purchase a set of voice-activated walkie-talkies: these gadgets are like high-tech baby monitors with greater range. Place one near your sleeping child and then take a stroll together and talk in the yard or while ambling down the street. Stay close enough that you can sprint back in a hurry. Code points out that you’ll hear more on the walkie-talkie than the parent watching television on a different floor of the house.
“Sure, avoiding our partner feels easier in the short-term,” says Code, “so we may have to force ourselves to interact at times, but putting our spouse first is win-win.”
Code, David. “How Emotional Distance Ruins Marriage.”
Zagano, Phyllis. "A Popular Method of Prayer from St. Ignatius and His Followers."
GEOCACHING: FAMILY FUN WITH GPS
Every kid dreams of finding hidden, buried treasure with a secret map. Thanks to the Global Positioning System (GPS) hidden treasure is just an afternoon away. GPS which originated as a military locating tool, was made fully available for public use in the most accurate way in May of 2000. Prior to that date the accuracy was very limited.
‘Geo’ which means 'earth' and ‘cache’ which means 'a hiding place to store items' make up the word geocaching and precisely describe the sport. The premise is that someone hides a ca
che and makes available the GPS coordinates so that others may locate it. A cache typically contains small ‘prize’ items and a log book. Coordinates may be posted on Internet sites like geocaching.com. Once found, the seeker takes an item, leaves an item in its place and records their name, the date and their city name in the log book. Caches may vary in size from large, reusable plastic containers to something as small as a film canister—or smaller! Caches can be hidden in the wild or in the city; easy to get to or nearly-impossible to get to. Some caches even require following clues form cache to cache till you find the prize.
Unlike many forms of entertainment that use the Internet, geocaching requires you to leave the computer behind and set foot into the world to find that hidden treasure! Remember to respect private property and ask permission before entering and remember to respect natural areas and avoid trampling areas off-trail. You can help your community as well by picking up trash while you hunt for the cache!
DICTIONARY DECLINE: CHRISTIAN, NATURE WORDS
Imagine helping your child look up ‘blackberry’ (the edible one) in the Oxford Junior Dictionary only to find that it had been replaced by ‘Blackberry’ (the communication device). Imagine no longer. Nature words are on the decline and being replaced by technological terms.In: Blog, MP3 player, broadband, Blackberry (the electronic kind)
Out: Acorn, beaver, otter, blackberry (the purple berry you can eat)
Christian words are on the decline in the Oxford Junior Dictionary as well. Bishop, chapel and saint are not to be found.
NWF Green Hour Blog for Parents
IT'S THE SIMPLE (SILLY) GIFTS
It’s the Baby Mop all-in-one baby jumper! With static-charged, extra-cushy fringe your baby can earn his keep while keeping your floors dust-free and shiny! Machine-washable, flame-retardant. courtesy: kirainet’s flickr stream The caption states that you may at first have to call to the baby from across the room to get him started, but pretty soon he’ll be doing what he does naturally. Build a healthy work ethic in your baby!
ON MY DESK:
Peters, Jack W. The Complete Idiots Guide to Geocaching. New York: Alpha, 2004. (Normal Public Library)
Sherman, Eric. Geocaching: Hide and Seek with Your GPS. Berkeley: Apress, 2004. (Normal Public Library).
